Someone holding a board written, "Give thanks"

The Way You Think About Gratitude Is Wrong

3 out of 10 Malaysians are suffering from depression and anxiety [1] due to stress at work and family pressures. If nothing useful is done, you, your family and friends won’t be able to enjoy life. You won’t be happy.

Gratitude has been preached — since ages ago — to be an effective way to curb depression, anxiety, and stress. In recent years, science has caught up and proved gratitude decreases depression and improves psychological health. [2]

“A fool’s life is empty of gratitude and full of fears” – Epicurus, Greek philosopher.

Why depression, anxiety, stress, and other mental illnesses are on the rise if gratefulness is as effective as everyone says?

The answer lies in what you think of gratitude. Most people still believe the wrong thing.

I’ve coached thousands of young professionals, and these are the 4 most common misconceptions about gratitude and how to get over them.

 

1 It’s a hassle to practice gratitude

Time is precious, and you’re busy 7 days a week.  But is it worth to sacrifice your health for career promotion, business revenue, or other people’s expectations? 

The solution: It doesn’t need a lot of energy. You can practice gratitude inside your mind. While you’re commuting to work, think of 3 things you’re grateful for. You don’t have to write it down. An attitude of gratitude is practiced by heart, not by hand. [3]

 

2 Gratitude takes a long time

“I don’t have 20 minutes a day to be thankful, that’s too long! But if it’s too short, I feel like I’m not doing it right.”

The solution: Thanking is like a muscle in your brain. You don’t start with 50kg right away. You begin with 5kg and gradually increase it. So start with 5 minutes of appreciation. The process is simple. Open a book or a voice recording app, and start writing or saying 3 things you’re grateful for. Increase from 3 to 5 and so on, at your own pace. Trust the process; it’ll never betray you. [4]

 

3 There’s nothing to be grateful for

“Today is, as usual, nothing to be grateful for. In fact, there’s a lot I can complain about!”

The solution: You may hate me for this, but I have to tell the truth. There’s always something to be grateful for. No matter how tiny that may be. “As usual” is taking things for granted. You had nasi lemak for breakfast. It’s normal for you, but you can be grateful for being able to eat breakfast. You drove to work. It’s normal, but you can be grateful for having a car. There is always something to be grateful for. 

 

“There’s always something to be grateful for” – Rhonda Byrne, author of The Secret.

 

4 It’s impossible to be grateful when I’m angry

It feels almost impossible to feel grateful when you’re stuck in a terrible jam, scolded by your boss, or had a fight with your boyfriend/girlfriend. 

The solution: I agree that it does feel difficult to be grateful when bad things happen. The truth is, you can choose gratitude over negative emotions. As a matter of fact, the fastest way to feel better is by expressing gratitude. Focus on something else and be grateful about it. [5] [6]

 

Think again. What was the reason you didn’t give gratitude a second chance? Probably, you and gratitude had a misunderstanding and I hope things are clearer now.

 

The struggle always ends when gratitude begins, a quote by Neale Donald Walsh.

 

Featured image by Simon Maage on Unsplash


References:

  1. The Star, Aug 5, 2018, “29% of Malaysians have mental problems due to stress, says Lam Thye,” https://www.thestar.com.my/news/nation/2018/08/05/lee-lam-thye-more-msians-will-suffer-from-depression-by-2020-due-to-stress/
  2. Amy Morin, Nov 23, 2014, “7 Scientifically Proven Benefits Of Gratitude That Will Motivate You To Give Thanks Year-Round, https://www.forbes.com/sites/amymorin/2014/11/23/7-scientifically-proven-benefits-of-gratitude-that-will-motivate-you-to-give-thanks-year-round/#564c79f7183c
  3. Lewis Howes, “CULTIVATE AN ATTITUDE OF GRATITUDE, https://lewishowes.com/podcast/attitude-of-gratitude/
  4. Zameena Mejia, Feb 16, 2018, “How Arianna Huffington, Tony Robbins and Oprah Winfrey use gratitude as a strategy for success, https://www.cnbc.com/2018/02/16/how-arianna-huffington-tony-robbins-and-oprah-use-gratitude-to-succeed.html
  5. David K. Williams, Nov 21, 2018, “Why Gratitude Helps You Most In Hard Times, https://www.forbes.com/sites/davidkwilliams/2018/11/21/why-gratitude-helps-you-most-in-hard-times/#40e68efe4835
  6. Polly Campbell, Nov 25, 2015, “Gratitude in Tough Times, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/imperfect-spirituality/201411/gratitude-in-tough-times
Anger and Calm

How To Stay Calm When Anger Takes Over?

Hands controlling anger and calm

Image by Jonny Lindner from Pixabay

Anger. The most dangerous impulse that overwrites the logical brain at the speed of light. You lose control of yourself, you can’t think straight anymore and in the process of that, you hurt your loved ones. And you blamed yourself for hurting them. Break the cycle of anger and guilt by using a simple formula that I share in this article.

Imagine yourself entering a cafe and sit at the usual corner. You order your favorite coffee. The waiter approaches, ready to serve the amazing coffee to you. You heard a soft “bang” sound from your feet and the next thing you knew, your shirt and pants were covered in coffee. And worse, you have an important meeting with a big client later.

How do you feel? Angry? Frustrated?

I would flip and go crazy if this were to happen me a few years ago. But now, I’d smile at the waiter and tell him, “It’s okay.” If I don’t have a change of clothes, I just need to wipe with a wet tissue and explain to my client. Who knows, maybe we’ll find a common interest, i.e., coffee.

The million dollar question is, how to stay calm when your anger is about to explode?

This has nothing to do with suppressing or ignoring anger. How you react is determined by one and one thing only, the way you see

If you perceive the accident as the end of the world, the deal will fail, or the expensive shirt is a gone case, of course, you’ll flip!

But what if you perceive the accident as an opportunity to get a new set of clothes because you’ve been wearing the same set for 10 years, or to strike a conversation with your client, or simply a way to observe your reactions?

Regardless of what happens to you, you can always choose between,

Life happens TO me or FOR me

When you choose to believe that life happens FOR you, you’ll perceive every single accident, incident, mishaps or events exist to make you stronger, more resilient, and helps you to be better.

There is a simple formula for this.

It’s not easy to adopt the belief that Life happens FOR you, BUT, you can hack it by taking 3 full deep breaths and ask yourself, “Do I want to allow this to control me?

The formula behind this question is E (event) + R (response) = O (outcome)

All events are neutral, so they’re 0. If you respond with anger, frustration or in any negative way, your Response is -1. Hence, you will get a negative Outcome for the rest of the day. However, if you Respond with joy, gratitude or in any positive way, you’ll get a positive Outcome.

Seriously, are you going to let such a petty accident to ruin your entire day? I trust you’ll say a big NO! Catch yourself before anger full takes over, take a full deep breath and ask yourself, “Do I want to allow this to control me?

Remember, Everything in life happens FOR you.

 

Credits:

Featured image by Jonny Lindner from Pixabay

A man feels like a fraud

Why do you feel like a fraud?

A man with a clown face, feels like a fraud

Photo by sachin bharti from Pexels

You feel like you’re a fraud. You’ve successfully completed a large project and received acclaims from many people, but somewhere in your mind says, “I’m not good enough…”

Feeling like a fraud signifies you have an imposter syndrome; a psychological barrier that exists in your mind (only). It robs you from being enough and feeling worthy of your achievements. Imposter syndrome is like a ninja that camouflages itself among behaviors that seem normal to you. This article helps you to identify behaviors — we call it symptoms — of imposter syndrome. 

Why Now? 

I noticed this in myself when 20 people came to me, asking the same question, “Hey KarFei, you’re doing so great, how can I be like you?” My response was, “What are you talking about? I’m not even there yet. I’m far behind Tony Robbins and Rich Litvin.”

When this question comes to time and again, I begin to wonder, “Is there something that they see but I can’t?” 

Even though I’ve been coaching for 10 years, there’s this tiny self-doubt in me that says, “I’m a fraud. I’m just not good enough.” This is the imposter syndrome that affects everyone, including my clients, successful entrepreneurs, top Hollywood celebrities, CEOs, and you.

Imposter Syndrome Hurts

I realized the imposter syndrome has hurt my self-esteem and I couldn’t shine the brightest when I take the stage. My clients didn’t play big because of the voices in their heads. The feeling of “I’m a fraud” tells you that you’re not worthy of your achievements.

Among my clients, I’ve noticed 3 distinct symptoms of imposter syndrome that could help you identify if you have imposter syndrome. If you do, I have 1 simple mantra that I’ve been using to cull the voice that’s hurting you.

Symptoms

  1. Perfectionist. Someone who is looking for perfection in everything to the point that they stop taking action or couldn’t complete the task.
  2. Judgemental. You think you’re incompetent even though, in reality, you are. For example, you perceive the project was successful because somebody, your teammates, your manager, the cleaner, make it happen, not you.
  3. Fearful. People who are scared to take actions because they believe they’re not good enough. This fear paralyzes people even if they’ve done well in the past.

Mantra That Culls The Fraud

This mantra has kept me in check whenever the imposter syndrome creeps in: 

Progress over Perfection

Knowing how far you’ve come gives you a massive boost of confidence. Imagine when you first started. You knew nothing, you’re desperate, you’re clumsy, you made mistakes. And now, you’re much more independent, experienced, mature and competent. You may not be there yet, but you’ve definitely moved closer to your goals.

Whenever the imposter syndrome emerges, recite this mantra, “Progress over Perfection.” Take 5 – 10 minutes to reflect on the challenges you’ve overcome, to appreciate yourself for making things happen and to believe acclaims from others. 

 

Credits:

Featured Photo by sachin bharti from Pexels

sdsa

How To Overcome Pain So It Becomes The Predictor of Your Success?

Going through a tunnel to overcome pain

Photo by Wil Stewart on Unsplash

Struggles, stress, failures, all forms of pain are the black sheep of the family yet they’re the predictor of your success – if and only if you can overcome pain. It makes you stronger. You can tap into your highest self and become who you were meant to be. Because of pain, you are who you are today.

By default, all of us want to avoid pain, failures, and sufferings. However, you can become someone you never thought is possible when you overcome pain. By the end of the road, you’d embrace both pain and joy equally.

Did you know that 99% of successful people were successful because they’ve overcome their pain?

Tony Robbins, was abused by his mum and he was determined to end suffering for any human he can. 

Oprah Winfrey was sexually abused at the age of 10 by several family members and now, she’s inspiring hundreds of millions of people.

Benjamin Franklin stopped schooling at age 10 because his parents couldn’t afford his education. His self-studies eventually led the invention of lightning rod and bifocals. 

Do not judge me by my successes. Judge me by how many times I fell and get back up again – Nelson Mandela

So, all of the pain you’re experiencing now exist to serve you. The bad news is, it doesn’t happen automatically. 

There is an effective process to overcome pain so it becomes the predictor of your success

What you need is some time for yourself and 4 questions to turn pain into life lessons that will propel you forward.

Get a distraction-free place. Silent your phone. Lock the door. Tell your mom to stop calling you for 30 minutes. 

Recall an incident, situation, or person that is causing you pain. Soak it in and ask yourself,

Overcome Pain: What is this pain teaching me? How am I growing from this pain? How is this experience preparing me for a better future? What do I need to learn about myself?

Questions to Overcome Pain

This 30 minutes could change the course of your life. Witness yourself how you breakthrough in the process. 

Pain exists, whether you like it or not. It is what you do about it and who you become at the end of the day.  You have the power to choose; to overcome pain or to let it run your life. 

 

Photo by Jan Genge on Unsplash

The Most Important Question to Ask When Making a Decision

Photo by Jan Genge on Unsplash

Have you ever wished you could undo a decision? Feeling regretful of a decision you’ve made is human. Nobody can rewind time and change history, but you can ask yourself the most important question in making decisions so you don’t regret it in the future. 

There’s something you can do to always have peace with your decisions –  instead of regret, you’ll say, “This is the best choice I’ve made at that moment”, even if that decision did not turn out to be the best for you.

What you need is the right question that gives birth to preparedness, confidence, certainty, and resilience.

The Right Question To Make A Wiser Decision

What are you willing to suffer?

This question deliberately shifts your thinking direction to predict what’s in store for you, positive or negative, it gives you a sense of preparedness and certainty. You’ll prepare for them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, and when they come, you know they won’t hurt you as much because you’re prepared. 

Eventually, this breeds confidence. You believe you’re resilient against hardships, failures, rejections, etc. because you chose to walk this path knowing this will happen. You might trip and fall, but you’ll get back up because that was the best decision you’ve made at that moment. 

This question helps in making extremely tough decisions that could change your life.

For me, I have a coaching business that’s thriving but I had a very tough time deciding whether to continue working on it as part-time or full-time. 

I asked myself, “What am I willing to suffer?” 

I know I’m going to suffer financial insecurity if I invest 100% of my time in Life Redesigned, i.e., my coaching business. To me, I need financial security to sustain the quality of my life. It is not something I’m willing to give up, yet

This question has helped me to foresee objectively how the path looks like, what’s coming at me and what I’m willing to suffer. To this date, I didn’t regret a single moment because I decided with a clear head and fully understand why I made that decision. 

This question frees you from regrets to come that potentially could be your biggest regret of life. 

What are you willing to suffer?

Swimming Instructor

Hack Your Past So It Becomes Your Motivation, Not A Burden

You’ve torn apart. You’ve crumpled. You’ve thrown, never wanting to see it again. But it comes back again and again, uninvited.

Your painful past, that is.

by geralt at https://pixabay.com/en/woman-burnout-multitasking-face-1733891/

Many times you were reminded by your painful past whenever you’re trying to take up a new opportunity, or build a business, or change your environment or look for a new relationship. You didn’t dare to take actions because of what you’ve experienced – a failed relationship in the past, a failed business venture when you were young(er), one bad mistake in your previous job, and the list goes on.

Your past won’t hold you down anymore once you’ve applied these 4 hacks consistently.

It’ll turbo-charge you to forge a bright future. If you wanna uplevel your game, read till the end!

#1 Change your words

by Greyerbaby at https://pixabay.com/en/hands-words-meaning-fingers-423794/

If you say “I can’t do it, I’m useless, I’m worse compared to him”, you’ll become exactly what you said. You can’t and you won’t obtain the job you dream of, the love you crave for, or the financial status you want.

Your words hold true power. This is already proven in scientific studies.

Research has shown the power of positive words on a human brain and physiology. Dr. Masaru Emoto proved that positive words like peace, beautiful, confident on water created beautiful white frozen snowflakes whereas negative words like Hitler, kill, war created brown snowflakes with black holes. Our body consists of 70% water, imagine the effect of positive words could have on our own body!

Prominent gurus featured in The Secret all agree to one thing. You attract what you think and say.

Choose to say positive words that you wish to become, every day.

  • I am Confident
  • I am Amazing
  • I am Courageous
  • I am Kind
  • I am Strong
  • I can!

#2 Change your questions

by geralt at https://pixabay.com/en/questions-board-blackboard-font-2212771/

A question can steer your emotions and thoughts towards two very different paths – self-defeating or self-empowering. It’s a double-edged sword if not used correctly. By default, whenever you think of your aching past these questions will pop up in your mind,

  • Why is this happening to me? Why not someone else?
  • What have I done to deserve this?
  • Why am I so unlucky?

These questions will keep coming repeatedly unless you STOP them, consciously.

Ask yourself questions that’ll switch you to self-empowerment. Questions that focus on positivity and learning.

  • How could I improve the situation?
  • What are the false stories I’ve created in my brain?
  • What was his/her good intention?
  • If I believed in his/her world, would I have done the same?

Answer these self-empowering questions to break the self-defeating cycle. Naturally, it guides your mind to look for positive points in your past. Your past then won’t be painful instead it’ll fuel your growth.

#3 Change your friends

by Free-Photos at https://pixabay.com/en/picnic-outdoors-group-people-1208229/

You’ll tend to hang out with the same type of people as you are. If you love movies, you’ll watch movies with movie lovers. If you like biking, you’ll train with bikers. If you’re depressed, you’ll complain with your equally negative friends.

The most beautiful fact about friends is they influence you a lot more than you think. Who you are right now is a part of who you hang out with the most.

Select who you surround with the most.

Surround yourself with friends who accept the good you and the not-so-good you, help you grow and support you when you need. You gotta let go of friends who are not helping you to grow, keep talking you down and makes you belittle yourself.

Letting go doesn’t mean burning bridges. Choose to spend less time with friends you don’t wanna hang around so much. One day at different stages of your life, some of them might be back. You might just be doing each other a service by letting go.

#4 Change the story

by Free-Photos at https://pixabay.com/en/glasses-reading-glasses-spectacles-1246611/

Your past is a neutral experience. The stories that you give to your past make up meanings like difficult, embarrassing, happy, challenging or a waste of time.

As a result, you’ll think you have an embarrassing past because of the story you’ve told yourself.

What actually happened:
You said something different on a stage and everyone laughs.

The story you told yourself:
I’ve made a terrible mistake and embarrassed myself in front of so many people. Now everyone laughs at me. I shouldn’t have spoken on stage.

What if you can change your story in an instant?

The hack is asking yourself this question – What positive learning I get out of this experience?

This question steers you out of embarrassment and focuses on learning points. Slowly, your brain will remember moments of you learning something good. Like you’ve learned how to craft a speech, you’ve learned how to do your research or you’ve learned to finish what you’ve started.

You hold the power to change your pain into driving force

These strategies require only your mind and consistency to work. You hold the power to shift your past so that it fuels your future. It should not and should never become a burden.

You can hack your past and see it from a whole new, positive perspective.


Now, this is what you’ve been waiting for!

at https://giphy.com/gifs/yosub-crying-waiting-happy-tears-3oEduX7K49FObavFxm

With almost a decade of coaching with successful millionaires and young professionals, I have identified the reasons why people are not motivated and confidence to pursue their goals. The fears that stopped them from pursuing their goals before and how they overcame them – I have documented them into 3 videos.

When is the best time for you to kickstart your 2019 goals? The answer is NOWSign up here to learn how to break-through from those fear and be fully focused and charged towards your goals.

design-3315253_1280

W.E.M.A.P makes your new year resolutions stick like a hot glue

In 2017, you spent an entire month setting your goals for 2018. You were looking for goal setting programs. You went to get the most inspiring journals and notebooks that will inspire you to take action. You signed up for that fitness class. You committed to writing down your goals.

And 2018 came. You worked very hard in January. You fell out of your routine a bit, but you got back up. February came, you said It’s ok, I will do it next time. By March, you don’t remember where your inspiring notebook is. You started to slack. You begin to wonder What are my goals again?

Your new year resolutions didn’t even get to see Christmas!

Here’s the good news, in this case, you are already ahead of the pack. Most lost their goals before February even comes. But is that all you want? Repeating the same goals and the same cycle again? Is that how you want 2019 to be like?

Source: https://giphy.com/gifs/reaction-YWaPXgx082x9MHW2kv

Recently I created a video series to help people kickstart 2019 with powerful momentum. Yes, I know there are 2 more months to end 2018, but it is never too early to start making your life goals a reality. You can get the lessons here.

But for now, I’ll give you a secret sauce that you can use so your new year resolutions will stick until December 31 2019 and beyond.

It’s called the WEMAP.

W.HY

The purpose of life is a life of purpose – Robert Bryne

With a powerful why, you’d never think of Should I or should not? whenever you want to exercise, read, learn, etc. The only thing on your mind is I must do it at all costs.

This makes you committed, determined. It’s a do-or-die thing.

by skeeze at https://pixabay.com/en/weights-lifting-power-male-gym-664766/

Once you’ve found your most powerful why, write them down, tell someone and share on social media.

Tip: A hack to find out your true why. Start by asking this question to yourself. Why do I want to ____________ (your goal)? So that ___________ . Keep asking so that until you feel your hair standing, your stomach churning or you feel emotionally attached at the end of so that.

Eg.

Why do I wanna  lose weight?
So that I can wear pretty clothes.
So that I can be beautiful.
So that I can be confident of myself – the real why you want to lose weight

E.ND

Millions of people didn’t make it through because they don’t know how the end looks like. When you do not have a north star to pull you forward, you will be pulled away by all the distractions in the world. Everything in the world is trying to get your attention, isn’t it?

by geralt at https://pixabay.com/en/road-sky-mountains-clouds-black-908176/

The End is the results after you’ve achieved all of your new year resolutions. Without an end in mind, you’ll be lost and distracted! You wouldn’t know what you’re aiming for. You’re like a train without a destination.

Visualize how your life will look like after you’ve ticked each of your new year resolutions. Use some of these guiding questions.

How do you look when you’ve obtained that perfect weight?
What do you hear people telling you after you’ve read 150 books in a year?
How do you feel when you’ve been promoted? To what position?

Tip: Find pictures that depict your desired life and look at it every single day. That’s your direction to push yourself even though you’re feeling in the blues. I outline this process in my new video series here.

M.ASSIVE ACTIONS

The path to success is to take massive, determined actions – Tony Robbins

by 12019 at https://pixabay.com/en/utah-mountain-biking-bike-biking-95032/

The biker in the picture took a big leap of faith and cycled down the cliff. He has a goal – to cycle down this cliff without dying in 5 minutes. Every day, he went up the cliff and cycled, and cycled, and cycled. Day in and day out.

If he had procrastinated, he’d be saying “Just this day, I’m gonna Netflix and chill”.

OR

He’d be saying “Hmm, I think I should watch more Youtube to learn the right skills” and he never trained for real.

Sounds like what you’re doing?

Tip: One-year-long goals are kinda scary at first. Figure out smaller goals that make up the bigger goals. E.g If you want to lose 30kg by the end of the year, your smaller goals are to lose 2.5kg per month. Work out for 30 minutes a day.

A.PPROACH

If Cristiano Ronaldo didn’t score on his first attempt, do you think he’ll try to move the goal post?

by FelixMittermeier at https://pixabay.com/en/football-football-goal-2101738/

Of course not! It doesn’t make sense.

BUT this is what most of you do in their lives.

You believed that you can’t achieve your new year resolutions because the goals are too hard or too challenging, so you chose to change the goals (or throw it out of the window altogether), instead of changing the way to get there.

The only way to stop yourself from ditching your important goals is by creating an end goal that you’re willing to die for (metaphorically).

Tip: Use this technique 3P which I’ve shared in my free class to create goals that you’re willing to achieve at all costs.

P.ROGRESS

You know who celebrates the most on this planet? Children. Who learns the fastest? Children. Who is willing to do all it takes to get what they want? CHILDREN. We can learn so much from children in achieving their goals.

by StartupStockPhotos at https://pixabay.com/en/children-win-success-video-game-593313/

Lost 500 grams in 1 month? Celebrate by praising yourself! “Woohoo, I did it! I’m so proud of myself!”
Got promoted to Team Leader instead of Manager? You celebrate by going out for a drink with your friends!

Celebrate every single little success you have, no matter how small they are. Baby steps are still steps.

Tip: Celebrate each time you’ve achieved your smaller goals. Praise yourself, do something that you love, give yourself presents, celebrate with family and friends and many more.

You’ve tried all these and still none works?

Most probably what you need is not the strategy. What’s missing is the readiness of your psyche. You know you want to achieve your goals, but something always seems to be in the way.

Figure out what it is here.

 

Featured image source: by mohamed_hassan at https://pixabay.com/en/design-2019-2018-to-reach-new-year-3315253/

Screen-Shot-2017-07-01-at-22.18.36

Passion – Find and It Will Fall To You

Said no one ever.

My years of coaching if anything, has taught me that PASSION is a buzzword being thrown around like it’s priceless and meaningless.

Clients and potential clients often come to me expecting a coach to have all the answers to their passion. The question is always “How can I find my passion?” or “I don’t have a passion, is there something wrong with me?”.

It was these kinda questions that bother me a lot and I realised they stem from a few common patterns.

1. Passion can only be ONE thing.

People are obsessed with finding passion because they think that passion is that ONE thing – that one thing that makes you happy, fulfilled, and everything in their lives will be solved.

They are wrong. Passion can be multiple things, passion can be things totally unrelated to your work, passion can be something you think are extremely unproductive – but they serve one thing, they make you feel excited, happy, enjoyable while doing it.

2. Passion must make money and pay the bills. 

If the world is perfect as this, we will not be facing all the different challenges affect the world. I am not saying that this is impossible – everything is possible, but if your focus are solely on turning passion into profit, you are only looking for quick gains, it is not sustainable and long term.

I was doing free coaching when I first started. My fees was so low I had to bootstrap in my first few years. I had to loan money from my parents to be able to take up new courses and invest in my own learning and growth.

3. If I don’t have a passion, I am a failure. 

Everyone is rushing for the passion “mine”. If you don’t have a passion that makes you money (refer to point #2 above), then I am a failure. It then turns into a vicious cycle – from I am a failure to trying really hard to look for passion to not enjoying what you do.

Most successful people I know often ask themselves one question before they are successful: What am I grateful for in what I am doing now?

Successful people do not become successful by chasing and finding their passion. They find success, joy, and fulfilment in the present. They CONSTANTLY work on themselves to get to where they want to be, even if they don’t know what that would be, yet.

Instead of getting stuck in finding your passion, do these instead:

1. Try and try and master

My one most important advise to my clients are to try.

Try what makes you feel good, that one thing that makes you forget your lunch, or that one thing that you do, time just magically passes by WAY faster. Try and keep doing that thing and master it, be good at it.

Maybe you will be great at it, or maybe you won’t and you find out you hate them.

And that is ok. that is part of the process called LIFE.

Life is about exploration and adventure.

2. Get clarity

No, not clarity of what your passion is. Passion is a mean to an end. It helps us get to where we want to be. Get clear on your end goal, then work out the rest as you go along. It is those journey where you will be able to find out what your passion lies.

If I were to follow my passion 10 years ago, I would have been a salesperson. I really love sales when I was young.

I loved being able to meet people smarter than me, older than me, and more experienced than me. I loved to be able to pushed and challenged, and I loved that feeling of fulfilment when I close sales – it showed me what is possible.

But I know continuing in sales is not what I want to do because I am clear with my end goal – transforming lives and helping people to live to the fullest. When I was exposed to coaching, my passion changed.

I see another means towards my end goal. I switched. I moved. I try coaching.I was a beginner. I have no idea what I was doing. I struggled. Then, I master coaching (and still learning).

The rest is history

3. Embrace the grind

In an era where “hustling” is being worshipped, I believed that it is not hustling through that matters. What mattered more is embracing the process.

I shrugged every single time when people approached me and speak to me about my achievement and how lucky I am to be able to do something I am passionate about.

What they don’t realised is the grind behind the scenes.

The hours spent preparing keynote slides, writing business proposals where 7 out of 10 will be revised for a few rounds and then almost 80% of them will be rejected), the potential clients meeting, and finally the actual client’s coaching sessions.

I enjoyed what I do is not because I am doing what I am passionate about. It is because I embrace what I don’t enjoy doing.

I find learnings in what I don’t enjoy doing, and most importantly, I am clear – they are necessary to get me to where I want to be.

When we are struggling or going through the motion to achieve what we want in the future, we forgot to live in the present.

What if that future that you wanted is already here with you today? What if you are already there in that future in your mind?

 

  • How would you speak? How would you think?
  • Who do you hang out with? What would you be learning?
  • What would your daily habit be like?
  • Who is around you and how would your day to day be like?

People think of achievement or success in these steps:
have success, do success, and be successful.

For example, people think that they are successful only when they have achieved certain title, salary, or buying certain materials. Unfortunately, as human species, we always want more. We then realised when we have them, we wanted more, and the “success” and happiness elude us all the time.

Almost half of my clients are people who have already achieved what they would define as success when they kickstart their career – the title, salary, or that dream company. But they came to me clearly looking dejected, emotionally and physically drained, and looking for ways out of that rut.

I am not sure about you, but that model has never worked for me.

What worked for me for YEARS is this:

Be. Do. Have.

Be – Raise your standard. Be the future person you want to be. Think, speak, act like the person you want to be NOW.

Do – Act, behave, and make decisions as if you are already the person you want to be. What would your habits be like? How would your mornings be like?

Have – This is when successes come to you, they become part of you because you are embodying them already.

I don’t wait to be the best speaker (HAVE), I speak, practice, and learn (BE) as if I am the best speaker, and seek for opportunity to speak (DO).

I don’t wait to to be the best coach (HAVE), I coach, mentor, and train (BE) as if I am already the best coach, and I invest in growing myself (DO).
How would you behave and act if you are already your future self? Start behaving and acting that way TODAY.

“Winners act like winners before they become winners. That’s how they become winners.” -Bill Walsh

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4 Steps To Harness Instant Confidence In You

Your Confidence Is In Your Hand

That feeling of not being good enough or just that fear that is holding us back from doing what’s important, they have probably happened in our lives before in one way or another. That important sales pitch or presentation, that 1-1 conversation with your CEO, or just that time when you need to speak up to your colleagues or partner. 

We have all experienced that and more than that, some of us might have experienced how bad it felt when you were not able to do what you want just because of that fear of lack of confidence. 

I have seen this multiple times with my clients when I help them in the process of creating breakthrough on their lives. My clients ranging from corporate executives to entrepreneurs have this same roadblock – lack of confidence. This lack of confidence can stem from various reasons – a negative trauma or failure from the past, fear of authority, lack of competencies or knowledge, or just simply fear of speaking up. 

In my work with my clients, one common patter exists all the time, and that is they all have been confident at one point in their lives. So what changed and how can I help them to bring it back? 

We all have been confident before. We just need to harness it and bring it back to the NOW! 

Whilst it takes a bit more time to dig deep into the root cause to work on the confidence issue, I have always teach my clients this 4-step strategy to harness their confidence when they need it. 

 

Be It. 

Most people make the mistake of thinking that they need to have the confidence first before they can do anything. But in this instance, the phrase “Fake it till you make it” can go a long way.

You need to be able to change your physiology to be that confident person you want to be.

How does a confident person stand? 
How does a confident person dress? 
How does a confident person talk? 
What does a confident say to him/herself? 

And all your answers that you have above, BE IT. Be exactly like what you answered in those questions.

If you are able to move and create your physiology to be the way you want it to be, you are already halfway there in harnessing your confidence in an instant.

Feel It. 

Changing your physiology changes your reality. Now it is time to trick your brain into the reality. I have discussed about this a lot, most notably in my TEDx talk – but I will emphasized it again. Our brain is meant to help us to survive and to keep us safe. If speaking up, doing a public presentation is by any chance remotely “dangerous” to us, the brain will do all it takes to stop us from doing it.

In order to help our brain to feel the world differently, we need to be able to condition it to think AND feel differently. This is where you need to use your creative imagination and positive thinking a little.

How would you feel when you have successfully achieve what you want to do?
What would be the positive emotion that you would experience after the successful completion of that task?
When was the last time you feel the same? Imagine that situation and feel the exact same feeling.

Internalizing this feeling helps your brain to felt safer with the positive outcome even though it has yet to happen.  As powerful as our brain can be, this step helps our brain to feel “safer” to do what you are supposed to do.

Do It. 

Emotion creates motion.

‘Just go out there and DO IT! Get on the stage and rock that presentation. Get up and pitch so passionately that you can feel that is the best pitch ever. Stand, move, and speak to you manager about the challenges you are facing. Whatever that is, DO IT! Remember, emotion creates motion.

Remember those times when you were so pissed that you could literally land a punch on someone’s face? Or just so disappointed that you could utter words you never will if you are calm? Most of us have been there, but instead of allowing that negative emotions to govern us, why not use our positive emotion to take action?

With the powerful positive emotion you have been feeling in the previous step, now it’s time to translate that to action. No questions, just actions.

Practice It. 

Nothing will work on its first time, although some of my clients told me the first time they implement this 4-step strategy, they already feel the shift in energy and confidence. They most likely do because I coached them throughout the process.

But if you are reading this and implementing this in your life, the only way for things to work is for you to practice it. Repeat step 1-3 every single time you felt that feeling of lacking in confidence or the fear to step out to do something.

Conclusion

If we allow our same pattern of thinking to approach our lives, nothing will change. The same lack of confidence and fear will creep up upon you. Try and test this 4-step strategy to start to make a difference in your life.

Disclaimer: This process is for ad-hoc confidence boost, like how you have a couple of shots before going to the party? This strategy is not meant to help you to deal with the root cause of the problem but aims to help you when you need it in that moment. However, I do help my clients with solving the root cause once and for all and I do that in my full 2-day seminar.You can read about it here as I help my clients to regain confidence in different areas of their lives.

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You Will Not Succeed If All You Wanted Was To Win.

“KarFei, you will not win this competition. I will not allow that to happen.”

That statement struck me so hard. Why? Why would my mentor not want me to win? After all, I am one of the best in the competition, I did pretty well, and I do deserve it for all the effort I put in.

I could not understand it. It just does not make sense to me that my own mentor does not want me to win.
To add salt to injury, I was not even selected to be a finalist – there is remotely NO chance for me to even try harder to win. It all went crashing down for me.

I was frustrated.

I was pissed.

I was crushed.

Imagine a hobby, passion, that you are so good at and you could not win it because your mentor does not want to give you the chance to do so? It sounds like a big ass conspiracy trying to screw you over, no?

In that moment, I can either let my frustration creates meaning to this experience I had or I can discover the true meaning behind what happened. I decide on the latter.

I went up to my mentor and instead of asking him why this happened to me, I shared with him my feeling and my emotions. And to my horror (and confusion), he congratulated me.

He congratulated me and said he was happy for me for acknowledging and embracing my feeling and emotions and be open about it. Then he told me, “KarFei, you are really good at what you do. You deserve a shot at winning. But I realized, allowing you to win is more detrimental to you than losing.” And his next sentence is where it hits home, real hard.

“You always want to win so badly, that you forget to enjoy what you do. Winning became your end goal, not the process, and certainly not why you do what you do.”

That statement feels as if a knife just stabbed through my heart. The pain is just, unbearable. It feels real. But on top of the pain, there is a sign of relief – a sign of huge and heavy burden being lifted off my shoulder.

Flashes of what I have been doing appeared on my mind like a movie reel – my desire to be better than others, my want to win over my competitors, my craving for more certifications to prove myself, my need to be the best, the youngest, the only.

I smiled, I chuckled, I laughed, with a little tear on my eyes. And all my mentor did was smirking while looking at me. He then said,
“This competition was never about the best skilled participant, the most competent, or the most highly trained. It has always been about transformation. And for you to have that transformation, it is by losing – losing the need to win, the need to looks good, the need to be perfect. You have just won by losing.”

That short 5-minute conversation has created such massive breakthrough in my life. I realized that play to win is important, it helps you to grow, to challenge yourself, to create a competitive environment to thrive.

Make sure when you play to win, you don’t play to lose yourself.

The key here is not to lose yourself in the process of playing to win. I have seen so many people who did the same mistake – when they try to win in different areas of their lives, they start to lose our who they are or even make losses in other areas of their lives.
Don’t allow this mistake to happen to you.

1. Never, ever forget why you do what you do.

It is easy to see that everyone else in the world is doing better, living a more successful life, happier, or richer. And if you decide or make decision based on all these false evidences, you will live a miserable life, because you are constantly trying to play catch up with other people’s lives but yours.
Make decisions based on what you feel is right for you. Ask yourself, whatever decision I am going to make, is it helping me to achieve my goals or it’s just merely allowing me to prove myself?

2. Enjoy every single moment of your masterpiece.

I have coached, trained, and mentored a lot in the past few years – from young leaders to big corporations. They are great achievement for me, but looking back in hindsight now, I realized I did not soak myself into the process of creating those magical moments to all my clients. I try to deliver perfection, not the best to my clients because I want to win. Winning for me equals to having everything down to perfection. I was so wrong.

Treat the process of your work as if you are creating a masterpiece, as if you are creating the next big thing. And as my mentor said it, when you are too busy thinking about what others would think about you or your work, they are probably too busy thinking about what others are thinking about their work.

Do not worry about what others might think. No one has got time for that.

I forgot that every coaching sessions that I had was a masterpiece on its own. The insights, the “light bulb” moment, or the decision to change in my clients happen all the time and I forgot to enjoy myself in that process of creation.

As I am writing this, I was asking myself, how can I teach people this so that they too can enjoy the process of creating their best lives and at the same time, living their lives at the fullest? So I have decided to give my time to people who want this.

This lesson turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in my life. It helped me to create a transformational program I never thought I could do. I created a FREE Life Redesign video series to help you close 2018 and kickstart 2019 with positive momentum.
Learn about it here.

If you are looking for breakthrough in your life, this video series will really help you. At the end of the day, it is FREE. What is there to lose?